10 Surefire Ways to Annoy Your
(adopted from the guide with
(which this web site is hosted at))
1. Start with your entry page. Be sure to include a huge graphical
logo, but absolutely no useful information. In general, large
unnecessary downloads such as background music (ideally totally
inappropriate music), multimedia presentations and video files, are
an essential element of the truly annoying site, so include six or
seven on every page.
2. Very tiny text (SIZE=1) can be a great way to damage your
visitors' eyesight. Unfortunately modern browsers include a
font-sizing feature which negates much of the power of this
technique. Webmasters can seize back control by mixing tiny (SIZE=1)
and very large (SIZE=6) text on the same page.
3. Low contrast color combinations like yellow on white, or better
yet, dark gray on black, have been proven to increase web surfers'
4. WRITING EVERYTHING IN CAPITAL LETTERS CAN HAVE INTERESTING
EFFECTS IN YOUR VISITORS' PSYCHOLOGICAL MAKE-UP. EXPERIMENT WITH
switching between CASES FOR absolutely NO REASON, preferably EVEN IN
THE midDLE of WOrds, TO REALLY WIND THEM UP!
5. Make sure absolutely every page positively requires horizontal
6. Frames can be a powerful technology for making people's blood
boil. Be sure to use them heavily, and don't let users easily break
out even when leaving your site. For extra credit, combine this with
horizontal scrolling and have the 'Home' button "accidentally" put
the entire frame-set inside the smallest frame.
7. Forms are most interesting when they don't work at all.
Unfortunately, it won't waste much of your visitors' time if the
form has only a couple of fields. Therefore make sure your form has
at least 20 fields which must be filled out exactly right (add
validation code), and wait till they've struggled through them all,
before giving a CGI error.
8. Banners adverts are one of the most under-used technologies on
the web. Some sites have only 2 or 3 per page. Show those sites how
to do it right, by having at least 20 banners per page. Remember
never use a text link when you have a chance to use a banner!
9. Sadly some hosts do not add pop-ups to your pages. If your web
host is holding you back in this way, don't despair. After you've
mailed your letter of compliant to the hosting company, add a little
10. Finally the old ideas are often still the best ones: Bad English
is well-known technique that many webmasters are familiar with. Be
sure to include a more than adequate number of speling misteaks in
all your text, or for a really exciting twist make your sentences
really long, with way too many clauses, a superabundance of overlong
and unnecessarily obtuse terminology and gratuitous jargon, and
unexpected changes from formal language into the a more colloquial
style: as it this way cool example!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Exclamation
marks are also good, the more the better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
It has come to my attention that there are a few webmasters who
actually want people to enjoy their site, bookmark it, and maybe
even come back more than once. If you are a member of this
particular minority group, you can of course do the exact opposite
of these suggestions.
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